Wednesday, September 20, 2006
I just rounded up my meeting with the South Africans that managed to move their trip up by a few days. No pending issues. I am preparing my handover notes and wrapping up. Its finally happened. Vacation time. Off to Dubai tomorrow for 10 glorious days. Not sure if i will be blogging or even checking my emails but i intend to keep a travel diary of sorts and take some pictures. Now off to finetune my flirting skills. Its holiday time.
This is a forward that i got and its written by a Rabbi Dov Heller M.A. Well so the email says. But i read this one and actually thought it made some sense and thought i'd share:
With the divorce rate over 50%, too many are apparently making a serious mistake in deciding whom to spend the rest of their life with. To avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalize 10 insights.
1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married. The classic mistake! NEVER MARRY POTENTIAL!! The Golden Rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after their married...for the worst!" So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character. Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's character? Here are four characteristics to definitely check for:
Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than personal comfort?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? Howdoes s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give to charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like her/himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable? Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
3. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goal and priorities. There are three basic ways we connect with another person: a) Chemistry and compatibility
b) Share common interests c) Share common life goal. Make sure you share a deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're living for while you are single and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you. This is the true definition of a soul mate.
A soul mate is a goal mate....two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities,values and goals.
4. You pick the wrong person because you do not have deeper emotional connection.To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?" This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. Yes, you should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc but do you actually respect and admire this person who possesses these qualities? Also ask:"Do I trust this person?" This also means "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?
5. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe. Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way?Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way! Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship. Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you.
There is a big difference between "controlling" and "making suggestions." A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.
6. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table. Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you? Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can't be vulnerable, you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.
7. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness. If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better and your future spouse will thank you.
8. You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too quickly.This can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Sexual involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions. It is not necessary to "test drive" in order to find out if a couple are sexually compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry about sexual compatibility. Of all the studies on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never cited as a main reason why people divorce.
9. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a woman needs most. Men and women have unique emotional needs and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn't get it. Tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of the woman and to satisfy them. The unique need of a woman is to be loved, to feel that she is the most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention. This is most apparent in the approach to sexual intimacy. Tradition obligates the husband to meet the sexual needs of his wife. Sexual intimacy is always on the woman's terms. Men are goal oriented especially when it comes to this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two speeds: on and off." Women are experience oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things will happen.
10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle.To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in a triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You'll not be their number one priority. And that's not basis for a marriage.
I think there are some salient points here. What do you think?
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
I wish i could go back in time
Before i said those words
Before i asked the questions
Before i got the answers
I wish i was still 16 and naive
And believed what people said
And thought the best of everyone
And really really got hurt when people disappointed me
I wish i had long silky hair
That stayed in place when i brushed it
And fell down my back and moved in the wind
Hair that inspired poetry
I wish i could let my guard down
And not be suspicious of everything and everyone
Allow myself to feel
And enjoy every nuance
I wish i had you in my life
To fill the gap in my heart
That huge hole
That threatens to consume me
I wish i didnt have to pretend all the time
That i am fine and that everything is right in my world
When i feel helpless and lost
And just want to cry till there are no more tears to shed
I wish i understood what i felt
Not mistake lust for love
Irritation for anger
Understand all i feel
I wish i didnt feel the need to write this
Wanting to say more
But unable to articulate how and what i feel
Just know i am not centered
I wish i didnt have it so tough with matters of the heart
Do i have it tough?
Or is it that i dont want the one i'm with
But i am afraid to walk away?
I wish i could smile and laugh
With reckless abandon
With not a care in the world
Thankful to be alive
Till the day comes when i can be open and unafraid of really being me
I will remain wishing......
Monday, September 18, 2006
Since i entered this mad but wonderful world of blogging, i have reconnected with old friends and made new friends. Some of the new friends are on my list to meet: Delot, LondonBuki, Onada, Nneka and DNG consider yourselves warned. One of the really fun bloggers i chat with and who has quickly become my buddy is DiamondHawk. Since she asked me to move to blogger, i figured i would ask her to write something for me to make up for the hassle of html and not having my yahoo Avatar.
I will also admit that i "borrowed" the idea of sharing my blog with others from a certain blogger. I am only mentioning this since he's a lawyer and i really dont want to hear anything about intellectual property infringement.
So here she is:
WHICH IS WORSE
Emotional Cheating or Physical Cheating
Some time ago I confessed to a friend that I was lured by somebody's words. I couldn't help it. The words called my name; it would have been rude not to answer. I was strongly cautioned against taking any more steps because apparently I had just become an emotional cheater. I was allowing myself to feel things with someone (the writer) that I shouldn’t have. But I couldn’t help it. I promise you that I couldn’t. I did not plan to read the words...I just happened to stumble upon them and they touched something in me and yes I craved more and more. It was like all of a sudden I had found a void I didn’t know exists and I needed it filled.
And so I began to wonder...No one ever wants to be confronted with a cheating episode in their relationship but how do you define cheating. Is it the physical act? and what specifically would the physical act have to be. Are there limitations? Or is it more emotional.
I can tell you that I've had the opportunity to make friends with several guys. Each one has their unique qualities. One makes me laugh, another can sing the alphabet to me and I'd still be hooked. And once again, another is able to lure me to his web through his words...there are a few out there like that. I don’t actively seek these people out but through life's course I got to meet them and I treasure the connection we have with each other. Is it wrong that I want to hold on to these connections while in a relationship?
As I write this I recall the movie The Best Man. Morris Chestnut played the groom who had serious issues with his bride being with his friend, the best man. In fact, the marriage almost didn’t hold. During the wedding ceremony, he suffered through flitting images of two people locked in physical intimacy. The knowledge that his wife-to-be had been with someone else was almost too much to stomach. In this case, the physical got to him. Or that is what I assume.
What about the married man that chats online with various women... is this emotional or physical? Or the woman that flirts with her coworker…a cheater in the making?
There are so many blogs on relationships these days. Truly a lot of us are around the age where we're looking for the one to spend the rest of our life with. This decision is not one that can be made lightly....and it could sometimes get confusing. Emotions are quite complex.
Im trying to wade my way through this: is emotional cheating worse than physical?
How is it defined? What is the point at which you know the line has been crossed?
Do they go hand in hand? Is the response based on the gender of the person that is being asked the question? Perhaps it’s based on the type of relationship and the boundaries that has been set.
As for me, when I was reading the words that had captured my attention. I felt no guilt. It felt good. Until the day I was found out. Although I’m barely admitting it, I realized that it could be considered emotional cheating. I didn’t mean for it to be that way though…
Recommended Reading : Other Men’s Wives by Freddie Lee Johnson III
For the past few months, i have been working offsite. At a project office in Ikoyi. Its located in one of those complexes that have lots of shops/offices/outlets in them. About 2 months ago, about 2 offices down, a new tenant moved in. A computer store. I never paid any attention to them until we had an emergency mouse issue. So i strutted off there to get a replacement. The interior of this store was well interesting to say the least. The store was crammed full of Plasma screen, DVD players and a few computer accessories. I noticed that the store attendants wore cute shirts - sort of like soccer jerseys. Instead of the name of the players, you had the name of the store and numbers. Cute. I asked if they had a replacement for the mouse and they said yes. But at their alternative location. As i was chatting with the assistant, i noticed another door that was slightly ajar. There were smaller boxes and a young man sitting at some table yakking on a cell phone.
I went back to my office and mentioned the weird shop to my colleagues and that was that. A few days later, i noticed this gorgeous Mercedes Benz SLK convertible parked in the lot. Driven by Y - a very young (about 25) man that seemed to run the computer shop. That night, a black BMW 7 Series (2006) model was parked there as well. Both of these cars had personalized license plates - the name of the store followed by the number 1 &2 respectively. As in all cases, the domestic staff began to tell us stories. Stories that these young men were up to no good. That they were 419 boys. I think we had figured it out by then.
In all the time we have been here, we have never seen anyone buying anything from that store.
Now i usually head home at about 8pm. The traffic would have died down by then and i can have a relatively straight drive home. But last Friday, i stepped out with my colleague who usually rides home with me and the sight at the parking lot was staggering. The lot was full of cars. I mean cars. There was an Audi A6, 2 BMWs, 2 Mercedes Benzes, A couple of jeeps including a white Land Rover Discovery with white leather interior. There was even a BMW powerbike. My car was sandwiched between an Audi TT and a jeep of some sort.
There were all sorts of guys hanging around in the parking lot as well. Some were smoking. Some were chatting with some very well dressed ladies. It was like a scene out of a movie. Got into my car and as i got to the gate, i aske dthe security guard what was happening. He said that the computer store was having a meeting. What kind of meeting would this be at that time of the night and the attendees are all young men driving very very flashy cars?
Things are happening.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Got back home at exactly 9pm last night starving and tired. See i am on a new eating plan that involves very little eating (Dont ask). My mom was home alone since my dad is out of town. She was in the kitchen waiting for me. She asked how my day was and said she made peppersoup for me.
I almost burst into tears. She came home tired too and she is just recovering from a severe bout of some flulike ailment. She hasnt driven herself at all this week. But she still found the energy to make me something to eat. And she also made something that she knew would not wreck havoc on my slightly unhealthy eating plan.
I didnt know what to say. A big hug and a thank you later, i filled my bowl with soup and sat with her watching some show she likes and which i cant stand. Talked to her till 11.30pm. And even though i knew that waking up today would be a hassle if i went to bed that late, i figured it was the least i could do to show my mom some appreciation and love last night.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
I promised to write the intro for her new blog a week ago. I have been tardy, but she has been understanding, my friend of long standing.
We’d been trying to get her to move her blog to a more favourable locale for a while – free email providers do not necessarily good blogsites make, just ask that mad man Delot, whose msn blog was so warped that blogger chewed the damn thing up and refused to spit it out. That’s why blogger is so sick these days, from ingesting delot’s msn-tainted ramblings of pure genius (the writing that is, not the msn bit).
We harried and hassled her. I because the yahoo 360 thingie was a nuisance to comment on. She refused to budge, because of her attachment to her yahoo avatar. What? Strange things happen in Uzo’s world. Finally, the rays of reason’s light penetrated the fog of her attachment to inanimate pieces of html coding, and she decided to give blogger a try. Welcome to the real world o. finally!
I even promised to do an intro, as part of the package to sweeten the deal. But after she finally capitulated, my diligence and dedication had sadly departed my being for a brief period. I let my commitment slide, until she had to remind me in that subtle (yeah right), inimitable way that women have of getting their point across to us poor menfolk. I realised that you never keep a beautiful woman waiting, especially one with Uzo’s (imagined) powers of persuasion and revenge (lol), and so I got my cute little ikebe to sit still for a minute and write these words.
Uzo is a great writer. And why not, daughter of the writer that she is, how could she not be? I am hoping that she might continue to enrich my days with her thoughts on this new blog (her demanding employers permitting). She’s also a phenomenal woman, driven, goal oriented and over-educated (how do you find the time?)
Welcome to Uzo’s world.
(Uzo, am I out of the doghouse now?). Sheesh, things we do for the love of our country.
(if I come over as fawning, its because she paid me handsomely to do this piece. You know good men are for sale afterall. please put my cheque in the post, I believe I have more than earned the bribe. Lol)
Father Lord in Heaven
I ask for this with every fiber of my being
You know that i have moved my vacation from April till now
I am tired, stressed and fed up
I need a break
I finally have a date of the 21st which is next thursday set to be on a magic plane to persia
I ask you Lord to use your infinite powers
To remove any obstacle that can prevent me from leaving on that day
Any work related issues that want to arise
Father i ask that you squash them
Any spirit that whispers my name to any of my bosses
That will lead to a request being made for me to postpone my vacation AGAIN
Lord, bind and rebuke that spirit
For the South Africans that want to have a meeting on that THURSDAY
Father, i ask that you rearrange their plans
Father, let them see fit to come earlier
All this i ask through your son
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
I was chatting with a friend the other day. And her best friend came up. She bemoaned the fact that since he had found himself a girlfriend, he was scarce. Didnt call as much, come around as much. Just wasnt there like he used to be. Made worse by the fact that instead of a long distance relationship, this new girlfriend literally lived round the corner. She misses him. I mean he's her best friend. A little bit of jealousy there as well. She is supposed to be THE woman in his life.
I have to say that i have felt the same way. I am one of those women who has always had better male friends than girl friends. Sure some of them eventually reveal that they want a little extra but there are 2-3 buddies of mine that i can thoroughly depend on. Sure i try to hook them up when they are single, listen to stories of chases and unrequited love. And i honestly and truly want them happy with partners.
BUT i get a little jealous and pissed WHEN they find someone. Why? I dont want them for myself. I think its just the loss of friendship per say. He can no longer call as much since his phone time is spent with her, he cant really hang out that much since he spend all his time with her. I cant just call anytime i want since she might be around. Shucks, she might and usually is uncomfortable with the relationship i have with him. She think i must have had, am having or will have something to do with him at some point. I either get the evil looks from her or just the cold shoulder. In a bizarre case, she made it a point of duty to become my friend as well. When she sent me lunch, i binned it. A little afraid. I am no longer his go to girl. He ceases to be mine.
Of course, i never let on and i honestly thought i was the only one that felt this way, till one of my few girlfriends said the same thing. Is this just something that girls feel? Or do some guys feel the same way?
When they get married, its even a whole different ball game. Someone who used to be my protector and closest friend got married a few years ago, and i can count the times i have actually seen him. Sure we talk every now and then but any plans to hang out have to be run past and approved by madam. The one and only time i went to their house after i came back home, i felt so uncomfortable and left after half an hour. She just kept staring at me. And since i was supposed to have dinner there, she was in the kitchen cooking. When she left us alone, i was consious of the fact that i was laughing a lot and talking a lot and we were just chattering like the old days. When she came out of the kitchen to join us, i realised that she couldnt really join our conversation since she didnt know what on earth we were going on about. The next time she got up to go back to the kitchen, i followed. Made some small talk about recipes and having a nice home and made a sharp exit. Using some stupid excuse.
Is this to be the trend with my guy friends. Maybe it would be easier if they start dating someone from our "circle"? The guys in my lfe tend to go OUTSIDE the circle which makes things harder? I guess i really had better learn to deal with this since they are all getting snapped up left and right.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Got back home after a very long day and after spending some time with my parents, i settled in for the night. Phone rang. A friend of mine just wanting to say hi. In the course of our conversation, i asked about her boyfriend. He was fine but they had a bit of an argument so a bit cold. Of course i laughed. Then she said after all the yelling and screaming, they both needed time to cool off.
After we hung up, it hit me..she said yelling and screaming. Got me thinking. In relationships, are people allowed to yell, curse and scream at each other? I am sure it has a lot to do with the personalities of the people involved. I racked my brain - back and forth. I cannot remember ever yelling and cursing out a boyfriend. Sure my voice volume would rise. But that happens to me when i get passionate about anything including talking about shoes so its no biggie. I remember me crying, or steely silence or just walking away. But i do not remember ever getting in his face and all. Maybe not my style?
Some would say, true honesty of emotion is a good thing in a relationship. I agree but why would i yell, curse and scream at him? I hate raised voices of anger in my direction so why would i extend that discourtesy (i made that word up) to anyone else other than my kids of course.
I have been told that i am a bit of a clam. I retreat into my shell when a situation gets out of hand or i am at a loss as to what to do. So that might have something to do with it.
But is there a right or wrong way to argue with a partner? What is your argument style?
Its been 5 years since that awful day. There are no words to say that havent already been said. No words to write that havent been written. My prayer for those left behind after the loss of their loved ones: May you find peace and closure. I hope you have found a way to move on with life. While not forgetting, but finding away to live with the good memories.
I remember the first anniversary of 9/11. A number of women's magazines and tv stations in the US profiled the babies born after 9/11. Women that were pregnant before 9/11 and gave birth. Children that would never know their fathers, grandfathers, uncles, brothers...male relatives. Off all the stories after 9/11, this was one that hit me hard.
Its been very easy for the world to focus on the towers falling, planes crashing, plumes of smoke, Osama Bin Laden, George Bush and the conspiracy theories. BUT...through all this, let us not forget the human element. Its very easy to see the figure 2,763(?). Lives lost that day. But each of these lives meant the world to someone. Impacted other lives. May their souls rest in peace.
Immediately after 9/11, the government mounted campaigns urging all residents in the US, to go about life as normal in order to prove to the terrorists that they hadnt won. 5 years on. I say the terrorists have won. Life has changed. People are scared of their shadows. Wars are being fought on the pretext and background of 9/11. Islamophobia has taken over most of the world. The list goes on and on.
September 11, 2001 - A day we will and should never forget.
I was late to work today. Reason? Okada incident.
Started like any other Monday morning. Not too happy to be up and driving to work at 6.15am. But i slowly began to cheer up and sing very loudly to Bo Bice and Nickelback. One of those mornings.
I ignored the other motorists and their antics and made it safely across 3rd mainland bridge and got off at the Onikan exit. So far so good. Then i hit Awolowo road. At this point, Mary J Blige and U2 began to do their thing with "One". So i joined them and created some serious ruckus in my car.
I started to signal/indicate/trafficate right and that's when it happened. I began to make my intentions clear way in advance. I saw this okada rider and passenger on my right side and figured they saw my indicator light and would slow down. Just to be on the safe side, i sped up a bit in order to safely make the turn before they got tooo close. All of a sudden, i saw the okada man kick my side mirror and the mirror CAME OFF.
What the ???????. Oh no. There wasnt too much traffic. I simply zoomed forward and cut the okada man and his passenger off and jumped out of the car. I was sooo mad.
"Oga wetin do you early this morning. See wetin you do to my mirror. You must pay".
"Useless woman. Na so dem dey drive. Carry your moto dey go jare"
Okay so at this point i lost it. "You kick my mirror and you dey abuse me on top. Useless man. You must to pay"
The silly passenger had the guts to say "look madam, just carry your car dey go. I dey late for work"
Oh no this skinny fool didnt go there. "you this useless man with your oversized coat, who put your mouth? Instead of you to dey beg, you dey tell me you dey late for work. Useless man. No be your fault. Because you no get car" (A bit harsh in retrospect but i was mad)
Trust Nigerians - they began to gather. Some body picked up my mirror and looked at it. Then came up to me and said "Madam, no vex. Na how dem dey behave. E b like say, the mirror no break. Just fix am back. E no spoil"
I turned to the Okada man "Na God wey save you today. The person wey go kill you dey my back. No be me"
You would have thought the stupid man would have stopped there. He just lost it. "Useless woman. Because you use your yansh get this car, na why you dey carry head. Useless ashewo"
Oh Lord have mercy. I went berserk. "Na me you dey call ashewo. Idiot. Go do your own. Afterall men too they do ashewo. Oh...you see this fine lolo and it dey pain you so you no evenget mouth to talk to me. Useless man"
At that point, applause erupted from the bystanders and that's when i regained my senses. Embarrassment. What if someone i know saw me acting like this?
I picked up my mirror and threw it on the passenger sit and got into my car. Tried to reverse and move and the okada man came lunging towards me.
"Make i show you this useless woman how to respect man. Look am. No be woman sef. Na small girl".
I quickly locked myself into my car and stared in amazement as this man came towards my car. Some bus drivers and the other bystanders began to rain abuses on him. Some bus driver said "touch am make i see".
I promptly put my car in drive and zoomed off. Got to my office and asked one of the drivers there to check the mirror out. Like a lego piece, it snapped back in place.
Honestly, Nigerians can make you lose your mind. Early on a monday morning. Imagine.
I am calmer now but i really pray noone i know saw me......
Friday, September 08, 2006
After a lot of griping and nagging over the unfriendliness of my other blog, i have given in and moved to blogger. Not really sure how i feel about it. I guess time will tell. I will especially miss my yahoo avatar. Sassy diva! I used to live here: http://360.yahoo.com/uamuta. Well i still live there....
So here i am.